September 27 is National Corned Beef Hash Day. It’s real, look it up. I know you’re probably still coming off the high of National Johnny Appleseed day yesterday, but if it’s not too much trouble, go grab yourself a can of Hormel foodstuffs and celebrate today with some corned beef hash. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, going through your stuff.
My Google Drive is really full of junk. (If you wanted a good segue there, consider yourself disappointed.) I have a folder where I keep my running work for ScreenPrism, which is getting pretty hefty. (I’ve written over 400 articles for that site since May.) I have one for various other clients and companies I’ve worked with, one for photos of the kids that automatically sync from my phone when I take a picture, and one called “Old Nonsense.” It’s that last folder that contains magic and mysteries, like a cloud-based Penn & Teller show without any of the riches, fame, or cohesive composition.
The folder contains several half-written stories. I learned to read proficiently when I was three, started writing stories in blank notebooks as a small child, and in 30 years haven’t actually finished a single one. I’ve never been able to pinpoint the reason, but I’m growing a little tired of the behavior so perhaps it will change.
At one point early in this blog’s conception (four years ago!) I thought about using it to humorously address various paradoxes. I wrote one back then, about the Pinocchio’s Nose paradox, and then realized I didn’t really want to have a blog about explaining paradoxes because… well, I mean like, who wants a blog about explaining paradoxes? I’m also not that smart.
Anyway, Google Drive’s “Old Nonsense” folder contains a document titled “blog stuff,” which looks to be many years old and contains various “blog topic ideas” that I never wrote about. I put “blog topic ideas” in quotes that are to represent finger quotes, and I’m telling you that so you can go back and re-read the sentence and do finger quotes. Go ahead. I’m going to take that time to post a photo of Angela Lansbury that would make a suitable alternative to the popular “condescending Wonka” meme:
If I had been more diligent, Saporito Means Tasty’s past could include posts about how deodorant can have a smell, and whether or not something can be both new and improved. We could have discussed whether or not it’s a hostage situation when a man with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, and whether or not you would weigh twice as much or disappear completely if you ate yourself. What happens if you are in a car driving at the speed of light and you turn the headlights on? Is the word heterological, meaning “not describing itself,” a heterological word?
Beyond that, it seems I once fathomed writing an “open letter to whistling.” I’m not…
It might be time to delete this file.