A Modest Proposal (2014 Version)

An article posted yesterday on slate.com is all about grilled and smoked foods being potentially carcinogenic. In a nutshell, it says crap from your grill and the combustible materials gets into your food and into you – and when you read this article the only natural response is OMG there’s basically nothing left in the entire world aside from smelling laundry and farting that doesn’t cause cancer – and I’m sure those will be refuted soon enough.

As such, I called upon my inner 18th century satirist to construct the following:

A Modest Proposal (2014): For Preventing All Peoples From Advocating the Maturation of Cancerous Cells on Their Interior Human Parts

The despondency of preparing and consuming meals grows ever greater with each passing day that fair and hardworking citizens find themselves among their own kitchens, in restaurants, at grocery stores and food carts being riddled with carcinogenic sustenance.  These good people, not primarily employed as farmers, or men of the earth, and generally unfit (or without proper land possession) to harvest their own bounty and survive, seek affable and convenient consumable goods and methods of preparation for themselves and their families to encourage growth and existence. Even those dedicated to the preservation of health and dietary cleanliness are unable to do so with favorable triumph.  When one is no longer able to simply heat pure food over fire without fear of tumor growth, one is left with little resource for vigorous fettle.

The deplorable state of agriculture and food processing is unarguably tenuous in the face of public wellness. I would stand to believe that a person able to provide a cheap, easy, global solution to the carcinogenic structure of most foodstuffs would be regarded as a proverbial light in an ever-darkening wrestling match between quality, agriculture, finance and production.

Beyond that scope, not only would a person of such ideals successfully combat the problem of cancer in the human person, but equally solve a worldwide pandemic of global hunger, rendering such person a positively righteous mark on the face of humanity itself.

I have it upon good authority that the only certain method of avoiding the growth of cancer due to consumption is to simply cease the act of consuming food altogether.

Until this day, grilling and smoking raw proteins remained the solitary preparatory techniques not known for developing cancer. With this no longer a truth, as documented in laboratory tests via small rodents, there are officially no things left which can be inserted into the human form for sustenance that will not develop cancerous tumors, and in time, result in the expiration of the human which performed the consumption.

There are a great number of advantages to discontinuing the act of ingestion beyond the staying of carcinogenic cell development. Most notably, and of the greatest overall impact, is the end of worldwide food shortages. If one no longer requires the devourment of food, one no longer requires having it on hand.  Television commercials and news stories endlessly report to us the horrors of mothers and children in underdeveloped nations doing unthinkable acts to simply acquire any amount of ration, alas! Too frequent among us! The explicit shame in their eyes, and no doubt their spirits, would be put to rest without the need for such behavior.

The mathematics to support such a movement are rather undemanding and need not be calculated, for simply eating no food requires no arithmetic at all. Likewise, another great advantage to my scheme is such that one can go about their day without scheduling their activities around the inconvenient search for and preparation of meals, allowing for a more productive and fecund workforce. This newly-acquired time for productivity will have an immediate and impressive impact on global output.

Being that the acquisition of foodstuffs is a primary motivator of most individuals’ originally taking employment, all persons participating in the movement will find their coffers weighted with a generous sum of now-available funds they previously allocated to nourishment. These funds can either enable them to do good on a charitable level, to maintain and provide for the less-endowed, or it may give them a means to retire earlier each working day, boasting a more leisurely and relaxing life.  Those ceasing to eat will also find lower utility expenses, virtually nonexistent kitchenware and home preparatory equipment expenses, and again – greatly increased time for ancillary pleasures.

I grant there are challenges to my proposition as well as the obvious positives. Hunger, admittedly, would be a powerful (and rather instant) trouble faced by anyone who discontinues the act of ingestion. But one must consider that even should they die of starvation in the wake of their acceptance of lifelong fasting, they did not die of cancer.

There also exists the issue of job loss for millions of individuals in the blue-collar industries of farming, food production, food service, retail grocery work, butchery, nutrition, and the like. But as noted previously, a loss of income parallels with a loss of intake, and such gross quantities of funds as one has become accustomed to in our society would no longer be a requisite for successful existence.

Again, I shall imagine the rather shortened lifespan and inevitable death resulting from not consuming food would turn many away from my proposition; or at least cause them great moments of concern and deliberation about whether to accept such a radical idea. Thus I must maintain it is not radical at all, however, but the only true method in which a person can exist while being sure to intake no foodstuffs that will lead to cancerous developments in that human’s tissues. As such, it lends itself to being the only logical way for one to prohibit the influence of carcinogens on their system, allowing them to expire through natural, human methods, albeit massively sooner than one would plausibly have hoped or anticipated. The scales tip one way for a rich life of experience and love, family and joy, memories and pleasure, but the potential for developing cancer and decaying – against a more brief but cancer-free life.

A worthy person, a preserver of his holy human temple, recently conducted himself in the manner of my scheme. He forewent consumption of all materials in which he formerly ate, and lived a cancer-free life.

In order to justify this person, I confess the man did expire not eleven days after committing to his decision, but I do happily report that he passed on with no sign of cancer in his system whatsoever.

In an effort to not digress further, I simply state that the evidence I have written is clear, and of the highest importance for consideration. The only certain way to avoid acquiring cancer from food is to not eat food.

The End.


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