Wil Wheaton’s Signature is in My House and Somebody Tried to Destroy That

A few days ago I was talking to my dear friend about all the great audiobooks she had been listening to in her car. We discussed how I don’t have the opportunity to listen to too many audiobooks, as I never drive and they don’t make for good desk listening because it’s tough to pay attention to stories while you’re working. This is when the conversation quickly declined into a deep, dark cavern of trouble.

I mentioned to her that last year, Anne Wheaton sent me an audiobook for Christmas that I still haven’t got around to hearing because of time, even though it’s really cool and I want to listen. The book is Ready Player One, written by Ernest Cline and read by the one and only Wil Wheaton – the man with the chocolatey-smooth voice that puts screaming babies to sleep and eases the tension from the shoulder muscles of middle-aged women in bathtubs better than a warm, lavender-scented candle and a glass of Merlot.

That’s how the CD looks on Amazon. You can’t see my exact copy because then you’d probably want to steal it, too. I’m not here to turn good internet people into desiderate dickwads.

“Send it to me!” my friend said, eager to get her grubby hands on my audiobook.
“No.” I replied, appalled. This lady has more gall than a gallbladder.

Can you believe this woman? I’ve got an audiobook that Wesley Crusher’s motherfudging WIFE sent me. Via UPS. I’m not just giving it to you like a piece of gum.

“It’s signed by Wil and Ernest. It’s an incredible item. You may not have it.”

This audiobook is a treasure, like a Bactrian gold crown or an ancient Buddha statue. You don’t just give those things away.

“Oh, I thought it was a file, not a physical CD,” she said, downplaying her offense.

Real good save, scorpion woman. Go loot someone else’s treasure, Captain Scarlett. I cherish my odd internet-facilitated friendship with the world’s most prolific googly-eye-public-stuff-vandalizing retired hairdresser. I think she’s great. And she sent me a present that I was to enjoy. What makes you think I’ll just hand it over? That’s more ludicrous than Bethenny being an actual daytime talk show.

Beware the Jabberwock, my son.

This CD-wanting friend is the same friend that insulted the existence of the Wheatons when I first made their acquaintance over two years ago. It should come as no surprise that she tried to come between us again. From what I hear, she also asks Salvation Army bell ringers if they can “spare a quarter.”

Beware her type.

Of course, this is all BS. She’s the best. She’s not going to get my CD, but she’s a good lady. Also, on a related note, Anne Wheaton just started a blog, so go check that out. It’s bound to be more popular than mine already and it’s been online 3 days.

I’d go on pretending to slam my buddy, but I just saw Jennifer Lawrence in the latest American Hustle trailer and can’t think anymore, so… yeah….


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