You know what you don’t want to experience on a beach vacation?
1. Being mauled by rabid weasels while putting on your pants.
2. Finding a corpse floating in the water… of the hotel’s indoor pool.
3. A sweat-covered tobacco farmer shaking dry like a dog while you eat Milanos.
On our first morning, we woke up to this:
It didn’t bode well for a day of sand and sun. Since we’re cool and had other things we wanted to do that didn’t involve the beach, we took to a few activities that humans can handle while potentially getting wet. Like walking the boardwalk and mocking all the hideously stupid stores full of bullcrap targeted at drunk and underage high school graduates! Also, Thrashers fries. They boss. They yum.
It ended up not raining on us more than a sprinkle, so we enjoyed our (very slow) walk (pregnant waddle) along the smooth wooden planks of coastal Maryland. We ate a funnel cake. We threw some fries to seagulls. We bought a SHARK KITE at the Kite Loft. And I typed SHARK KITE in all caps because sharks are cool and sharks that are blue and are made of nylon and fly 100 ft. in the sky are even cooler.
That evening we went to indoor mini golf because my wife is awesome and likes mini golf, and because that’s the perfect thing to do when it’s raining at the beach. The indoor course was pretty fun and OCEAN THEMED, which made for a joyous time even though it was crowded as all sin and the children behind us were terribly undisciplined. Laura is far better at mini golf than I remember her being on our honeymoon, and she had the extra challenge of holding her club out in front of her gigantic baby sphere. I was impressed. She never beat me, but she just may… someday.
Upon leaving mini golf, it was raining like the book of Genesis. I bolted to the car so I could pick her up at the door and looked like I spent a week hibernating in Shamu’s rectum. It was wild and crazy kids, so we opted to close our day by renting some DVDs for hotel room viewing pleasure. This is 40 was not bad, and Silent Hill: Revelation was intensely, powerfully horrible. Turns out everything starring Sean Bean and Kit Harrington isn’t good. Or even watchable. Honestly, it’s an amazing level of awful. I hate that it exists. Kill it with fire.