How to Become Freshly Pressed

WordPress.com has this little section called Freshly Pressed.

Yeah, that right there is what it looks like.

It’s sort of like the YouTube featured section, for blogs.  Today’s features blogs discussing the scientific validity of Star Wars over Star Trek, growing up Gangnam style, National Comic Book Day and something about Cambodia.  Every day, a selection of blog posts are placed there to reflect the diversity of what people are writing about on WordPress sites, and to introduce you to some new blogs you otherwise probably wouldn’t have found.  It’s available for anyone to check out, not just us bloggers.  I frequently check this section to see what my fellow WordPressers are up to, and to congratulate their becoming Freshly Pressed by adding one more visit statistic to the thousands of visits they will suddenly get to their blog that day.

But the question remains: How do you become Freshly Pressed?

I don’t even iron my shirts.

Ha ha!  That’s a bad joke about being pressed, people.  You see, “pressed” the past-tense that old people use to describe something that has been ironed.  And I said I don’t even… it’s fine, let’s get beyond this.

The populus has been told by WordPress employees that there is no special magic to becoming Freshly Pressed.  Someone just trolls the sites every morning looking for random subjects, picks blogs that seem decent, and makes them Freshly Pressed.

If you believe that, you probably own a Ronco chicken rotisserie.

Suckers.

No sir, I’ve compiled a fool-proof list of exactly the steps required to become Freshly Pressed.  Just follow this simple list of requirements, and the famed spot on the Freshly Pressed wall is yours.  It’s really not that hard to figure out.

1. Create a shot-for-shot remake of the movie The Postman with your cell phone camera, using poodles and puppets made of string cheese as characters.

2. Contract amoebic dysentery, then convince it to leave your body solely through commanding dialogue.  Record all the conversations and compile them into an audio book.  Get the book published and sell 50,000 copies in Asia.

3. Prove the existence of the Higgs Boson using only ten chopsticks, a fluorescent lightbulb, six ice cubes and a live hen named Chesty.

4. Build an inconceivable model of Noah’s ark out of scabs removed from the knees of Wallace Shawn, which are formed during rigorous roller derby sessions where you continuously knock him down and laugh.

5. Convince FOX to bring back Firefly for a second season.

6. Eat razorblades until you turn into a human porcupine, adopt the nickname Pokeypuff, and hire Sam Raimi to direct a feature film starring Sunny Came Home singer Shawn Colvin as the title role.

7.  Figure out how to solidify the human soul and offer a “washing” station where you purify souls using Dawn and a toothbrush for $18.

8.  Identify one single reason why the movie From Justin to Kelly exists, and locate Justin Guarini’s current whereabouts.  Then slay him.

9. Walk six miles vertically, cough, and cause a thunderstorm.

10. Construct a cabin in the lowlands of Suriname and live there for four years with an android version of John Tesh.  Start a successful business sewing wigs, earn $400,000 in the span of three years, stitch the money into a quilt, and photoblog the endeavors.  Dismantle John Tesh when complete and bury his pieces with audio samples of the Bobby’s World theme song in time capsules for future generations to uncover.

11. Only after all of the above is complete, have a child to a prison inmate who was wrongly accused.  Name the babe Pancakes, regardless of gender.  Enter a Gerber Baby competition, win, and get Pancakes’ face on the front of an oatmeal box.

12. Start a blog about parenting and post a picture of Pancakes eating a pancake, pointing out the hilarity of the situation and its abundant cuteness.

At this time, you will be Freshly Pressed.

See?  Nothing to it.

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2 thoughts on “How to Become Freshly Pressed”

  1. So I need to write a WHOLE BLOG POST about how Kelly Clarkson can sing and Justin Guarini has great hair and that the first season of American Idol was the only season? Even if I could do all of that, I am certain I couldn’t locate the man and I could NEVER slay him (at least not until I could “be one” with his hair while he sung “Get Here” to me).

    1. That will be a really popular post in Justin Guarini’s house. That is assuming he manages to read it before someone who really has determination to become freshly pressed does their job.

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