Day 1: The Zoo

Last weekend, the wife and I took a vacation to Ohio.  Because that’s where people with lots of student loan debt and no days off go on vacation.  One state west, via car.

We had a raucous 3-day jaunt planned which would take us on an expedition to span the state and its vast corn fields from Columbus to Cleveland.   We even got to spend 20 minutes driving through that little weird part of West Virginia that sticks up between PA and Ohio, which we haven’t been to in years despite the fact it’s like 20 miles from our house.   Very wild and wonderful.

Our trip was preceded by an evening where around 10 people came to our house to hang out and feed me Kraken and Heinekens as I sat outside and apparently lit fireworks and dozed off in a patio chair.  This liquid combination resulted in an intense feeling of yuck the following morning when we were set to drive 3 hours and walk around the Columbus Zoo in 100 degree heat all day.  I spent the drive eating a fruit cup purchased at a local gas station and sipping a cocktail of water and Pepto Bismol, and even though that mixture sounds like it would make things much worse, I ultimately felt pretty dandy by the time we arrived in the great city of Columbus.

The Columbus Zoo is sort of a massively awesome place that feels more like a Disney park than a city zoo, and certainly exceeds what anyone would expect of a thing in Ohio.  Despite their distinct lack of giraffes, which is the dumbest thing of all time for a huge zoo, they had a ton of really neat critters from all parts of the world.  We stood underneath polar bears, watched some monkeys beat the crap out of each other, got aroused by the long striped legs of an okapi and had our french fries nearly stolen by a wandering goose.  We marveled at the elephants, stared into the soul of the red panda and watched an aquatic turtle give another turtle a piggyback ride.


It was hotter than hellfire, but fortunately the park is littered with those pipes that breathe misty water all over sweaty backs and keep humans moist and cool.  Without these, the couple miles that are required in a trek around the full zoo would have felt like 200 gafinityjillion, but instead only felt like 235.


Animals are the best thing in the world so this day was mega cool.  We purchased a Columbus Zoo tree ornament made of recycled crap or something as a memento.    It has movable legs and trunk.  It’s darling.  You can’t have one.  You’re totally coveting thy neighbor’s goods right now.  I can feel it.  Dirty sinner.

Our Columbus hotel suite was a chief example of a thing that looks more appealing online than it ends up being in real life, like fashion models and parkour.

The room wasn’t awful, it wasn’t like there were bad roaches in there that were going to cut us so bad we’d wish they hadn’t cut us so bad, but it wasn’t hard to point out the corners of the carpet that hadn’t seen a vacuum since Clinton’s first term and the paint scheme was a little too elementary school nurse’s office to be comfortable.  Fortunately we only needed it long enough to watch the Talking Dead summer teaser and fall asleep, ready to move to Cleveland in the morning after we ate breakfast in the complex’s Finnish sauna of a dining room.

Next up:  Day Two.

…you know, in case you’re an idiot and that’s not obvious.


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