I saw many headlines today:
“Lin It to Win It”
I have no idea who Jeremy Lin is and would like to keep it that way. Because I have more important things to do. Like sit here and work, drink Wolfgang Puck coffee, and listen to Tone Loc’s “Funky Cold Medina,” which is 1989’s absolute best song about drinking, date rape, canine masturbation and the accidental seduction of a transexual performed by a cast member of Ace Ventura and Disney’s Blank Check.
Fun factoid: The kid from Blank Check grew up to be Worf’s son, then went on to get a large tattoo of a butterfly on the center of his neck, become a substance abuser and get arrested several times for assault and drug possession. Hooray!
There are a few other important things you should know, which will be dumped on you in the style of The Bloggess’ “Shit I did when I wasn’t here” lists, but with less quality:
- I made this today, which Walking Dead fans may enjoy.
- I made this today, which people who hate douchey drivers may enjoy and desire to purchase and deface the back of their automobile.
- You should purchase at least seven of each of the above items. Presidents Day is just around the corner. And Presidents is just a few letters away from presents. While you’re seeing what I did there, get out your credit card.
- Also related, people need not drive 92 mph on a 55 mph highway at 5:34am when I am on my way to work. (You can’t possibly be late at that time, highway people. Quit being dicks.)
- I hate the fact Earth’s moon is named “The Moon.” Get a real name, you loser.
- I went to a gastropub on Sunday night. I have no idea what a gastropub is. It seemed like a regular restaurant to me. Apparently it was a gastropub. The best types of experiences are the ones you don’t even know you’re having. The restaurant (Meat and Potatoes) says this on their website:
What is a Gastropub? Our definition is the following: A public house (a.k.a. Pub) that serves high end or craft food and libations that also focuses on the fundamentals of food and education. We also believe that you know a gastropub when you are in it.
- Billy Elliot is one of the best musicals I’ve ever seen. Ty Forhan, the boy who played Billy in the show we saw, is absolutely ridiculous and will make you feel like the most unaccomplished assbag on the planet, no matter who you are. Seriously. Like puke all over yourself amazing. He’s insanely talented and I want to see everything he does for the rest of his life assuming he doesn’t get a butterfly tattoo on his neck and assault people.
- Billy Elliot may have you walking around your house singing “Merry Christmas Maggie Thatcher” for at least 3-5 days following.
The most important news to report is that despite my ongoing fear that any time I enter the city I will be stabbed, shot, mugged, raped, poked, prodded, chastised, lost, and forced to touch filthy public objects, only the last of that list happened. That’s a pretty good result.