I like to invent things. And by “invent,” I of course don’t mean invent. Not in the entrepreneurial sense. Not tangibly. More like conceptualize, laugh about and dismiss instantly because everything I think of is ludicrous and silly. Most of the things I invent are forgotten about within minutes because they’re just part of the rambling noise that ejects from my mouth amidst raps about colons and Robert DeNiro and Nicaraguan pizza recipes. It’s not like anybody would ever invest the time and/or money to actually make any of these products. (Though you never know – I mean, these really exist.)
An ice cube tray that produces scrotum-shaped ice cubes for your all your drinking needs. Submerge them with teabags for a mind-blowing collection of innuendo.
A series of sex ed. cartoons teaching teenagers about safe sex through charming tales about Nancy, the pregnant high school hussy. She’s super hot, super popular, and super pregnant!
Basically like regular Pop Tarts, but shaped like Pope Benedict. They’d be too scary to eat. (Seriously, what’s wrong with that guy?)
It’s like Power Wheels, but it’s John Travolta, and your kids ride around on his shoulders. And we’re not talking 35 years ago “attractive-if-you-were-also-his-age-back-then” Travolta. This is post-Phenomenon. At best. Obviously there’s room for two.
It’s a bra. It plays music when touched. Complete with adjustable volume ranging from super quiet to horrible loudness and tuning to all FM stations, it is useful for setting the mood with a loved one, or as an always-handy rape whistle.
It’s like regular street hockey, except the nets are giant open mouths.
Babies with Scabies
Dolls that teach children remedial procedures for communicative skin diseases.
A line of jellies and jams that use a charming elderly gentleman as their figurehead.
A romantic film about two beef patties that fall in love. Or a porn with the same plot. Yeah, that’d be better. Imagine two patties trying to fornicate. Plus the amount of “meat” and “beef” and “Whopper” jokes it would have is just mouth-watering. Oh my.
An old-style wooden train whistle shaped like Cuba Gooding Jr. sleeping.
They don’t all have punny names. Some are just plain bad.
Celebrity caricature sexually inappropriate plush dolls
World-renowed actor Adrian Scroty and legendary operatic singer Flacido Domingo are among the toys available.
Grapefruit juice enemas
Because citrus cleans everything! Similarly, the elite version for female cleansing, the Eliza Doucheku.
Hot dog flavored ice cream
I’d eat it.
Everything in my Zazzle store
Seriously. None of it sells. Ever.
If you actually are an entrepreneurial-type who has the means to make things and you see something here that tickles your fancy, don’t you think about stealing it. At least not without cutting me in on the deal. I’ll know you stole it because nobody else thinks of this crap. And no, you can’t pay me in gum.
Do you ever come up with dumb ideas for things? Do share!