I AWAIT YOUR URGENT REPLY

I could have retired today.

I mean, every 48 hours or so I’m contacted by some African refugee or childless Christian millionaires or woman who recently fled from genocide who just wants to give me millions of dollars for being a sweet chap and lending them a hand with their embezzlement scheme.  I’m pretty sure a quick detour into money laundering is worth trading in my day jobs for a lifetime of peach tea, hammocks and the sweet gentle breeze of relaxed living, isn’t it?

Here is one such cordial offer I received this afternoon.  And to think, Gmail had this labeled as spam!

DEAR FRIEND,

(+1 for politeness, right off the bat.  This fellow is a pro.)

I KNOW THAT THIS MESSAGE WILL COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE.MY NAME IS MR.ISSA ALLASSAN ” A SECRETARY TO THE FOREIGN REMITTANCE DIRECTOR BANK OF AFRICA HERE IN OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO.I HOPE THAT YOU WILL NOT EXPOSE OR BETRAY THIS TRUST AND CONFIDENT THAT I AM ABOUT TO REPOSE ON YOU FOR THE MUTUAL BENEFIT OF OUR BOTH FAMILIES.

Great to hear from you, ISSA!  You bet it’s a surprise!  How could one not be surprised with all the EXCITING CAPS being used?  I assume that in Africa, people of distinction end their names with a quotation mark so stupid Americans will know to display proper respect.  After all, I’m no secretary to The Foreign Remittance Director Bank of Africa in Ouagadougou Burkina Faso.  Christ, you could add up every job title I’ve ever had and it wouldn’t even be that many words.  (BTW, that is a real place.)

I NEED YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN TRANSFERRING THE SUM OF TEN MILLION, SIX HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATE DOLLARS ($10.6M) TO YOUR ACCOUNT WITHIN 14 BANKING DAYS.

Well, I’m certainly not going to dick around with that type of sum.  Urgent assistance you shall have, MR.ISSA ALLASSAN “.

 

The poor bastard in this picture is probably resting at the bottom of the Volta River.


THIS MONEY HAS BEEN DORMANT FOR YEARS IN OUR BANK WITHOUT CLAIM. I WANT THE BANK TO RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU AS THE NEAREST PERSON TO OUR DECEASED CUSTOMER, THE OWNER OF THE ACCOUNT DIED ALONG WITH HIS SUPPOSED NEXT OF KIN IN AN AIR CRASH SINCE AUGUST 2001. I DON’T WANT THE MONEY TO GO INTO OUR BANK TREASURER AS AN ABANDONED FUND. SO THIS IS TH REASON WHY I CONTACTED YOU SO THAT THE BANK CAN UN-DORMANT THE MONEY TO YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN TO DECEASED CUSTOMER.

I know I’m adopted, but nobody ever told me I had distant dead family members in eastern Africa!  I always knew I was kind of black because I really enjoy cornbread with grape jelly on it while I’m eating chili.  Plus there was that one time in high school where I listened to Method Man on purpose.   I also once picked up a jacket I thought was cool at TJ Maxx, but then I noticed it was made by FUBU and hung it back up because I didn’t think I qualified for the “FU” part.  If only I had known about my estranged family member DECEASED CUSTOMER.  Good old DECEASED, I sure wish we could have hung out in Burkina Faso, had a few Chibuko Shake-Shakes, listened to some Siphokazi…  Shame that air crash SINCE AUGUST 2001 took him from me.   Isn’t that when Aaliyah’s plane went down?  OMG!  I need to un-dormant this money right quick.

UPON RECEIPT OF YOUR REPLY, I WILL GIVE YOU FULL DETAILS ON HOW THE BUSINESS WILL BE EXECUTED AND ALSO NOTE THAT YOU WILL HAVE 40% OF THE ABOVE MENTIONED SUM IF YOU AGREE TO HANDLE THIS BUSINESS WITH ME SUCCESSFULLY.

Oh, wait, I only get 40%?  Seems kinda skimpy.

BEST REGARD.
MR.ISSA ALLASSAN

Wait a second.  Just one regard?  Is that right?  I generally accept my regards in plural form, sir. My name may not end with an esteemed quotation mark and I may put a space between Mr. and Jeff, but I DAMN WELL deserve more than one lousy regard at the end of an illegal business offer letter.  No deal.

Ok, so maybe this won’t pan out.  The real riches wouldn’t have been the money anyway.  I learned about my family history, and made a friend… even if he is an arrogant, worthless single-regarder.

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