How to Have a Happy Halloween

In case you didn’t notice by the huge sacks of candy sitting in your house that you purchased to hand out to neighborhood children, or by the carved pumpkins, fake spiderwebs and plastic gravestones littering your neighborhood, it’s Halloween! The day where the veil between the living and the dead is thinnest, or something like that. Mainly a day where adults dress up and act moronic with justification, dentists dread the amount of work ahead of them, and tons of small-town teenagers with mediocre breasts get butchered in films. Yay!

Sarcasm aside, it’s one of my favorite holidays. Not because of the costumes or the parties or any of that. Probably because it’s a fairly low-responsibility holiday. It also comes with good memories of being a child. When I was real young, my dad always took me around. I had the standard outfits – the pumpkin, the ghost, the witch (apparently I was gender confused), the hobo, the gruesome fellow with a foam axe. All good times.

Halloween is also awesome because Hocus Pocus is on TV for 24 hours straight and I find the amount of jokes about breasts and virginity in that movie to be hilariously misplaced for a Disney film. Plus mini Thora Birch is funny.

I do have a few notes and suggestions I’d like to share with the world regarding Halloween. Please read carefully and follow them for a successful holiday:

ONE
To all parents who give out full-size candy bars – stop it. You’re making the rest of us look bad. Sure, I loved the full-size houses when I was little. I grew up in a pretty $$ neighborhood and would acquire a good many of them. But now that I’m an adult and poor and hand out banana Laffy Taffy because it’s what I can afford, I see that you’re just showing me up. Don’t be a bully, yo.

TWO
Teach your kids how to be polite. Teach them manners and actually pay attention to them while you’re out there.
Don’t let them run across my lawn – I have a walkway. If they do go through the grass, know that I intentionally didn’t pick up the dog poop for this very reason. Perhaps you can dwell on proper parenting while you scrub the schnauzer stool out of your household carpets.
Don’t let your kids grab and run. Tell them to say thank you.
Don’t let them show bad manners. Last year some kid took one of whatever we had, looked at it, put it back and said “I don’t like this, what else is there?” How about a punch in the eye you little bastard? Be grateful for the experience and the generosity of others. Swap with your sister or something. Or just don’t eat it. This can’t be the end of the world. Who in the history of Halloween ever liked every single piece of candy they received? At least I didn’t give you a toothbrush or an apple, you rude douche.

THREE
If you are in high school, I don’t particularly care if you’re still out there going through the motions. I’ll hook you up. Just do me a favor and put a little effort into it. Walking around wearing your letterman jacket and normal everyday clothes as you dress up as a “jock” while your dumb girlfriend wears her normal everyday clothes and dresses as a “slut” isn’t really playing the game. I bought this candy for monsters, goblins, pumpkins, vampires, etc. Not peckerface high schoolers who think they’re being awesome by running around filling pillowcases with early onset diabetes. I’m liable to not even give you a Laffy Taffy, but instead give you one of those little plastic twist tie bags that always have the worst candy in them. Except I’ll fill it with stuff from the bottom of my parakeets’ cage.

FOUR
Pay attention to the Trick or Treat hours in your town. If you show up to my house two hours after it has ended, the experience might be more akin to when Ace Ventura showed up at Ray Finkle’s parents house.

FIVE
If you are a rebellious teenager, don’t go around and smash people’s pumpkins and/or decorations.  Don’t TP their trees, either.  This sort of bullcrap used to happen to my house when I was little because I wasn’t “cool.”  People work hard on their decorations and pumpkins to make the experience more festive for everyone.  Keep it that way.  The thrill will end for you in seconds, but the upset will stick with the victims longer.

SIX
If your child is still too small to really know what is going on but spends a lot of their time misbehaving and making your life more challenging than it ought to be, this is your chance to get back at them within the confines of social acceptance. Take a look at some of these baby/small child costumes Target has to offer:

My parents have high hopes for me. Put the candy in my bowl!
How am I supposed to hold my candy bucket?
Everything about this is gross.
I am currently making all sorts of poop in this sack.
I swear my parents love me.
Why did they model the blackest baby they could find in this banana?
Next year I'm going to dress up as a kid whose Halloween costume got him beat up last year.
I should have stayed a caterpillar.
What the HELL is wrong with Michelle Obama?

Seriously – have a happy Halloween, everyone. It’s a fun holiday and I hope everything goes well for you, whether you are on your way to a party, taking a youngster around for the evening or handing out candy at home. Be safe and have fun.

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