We don’t want to see your big, luscious, perfectly-formed breasts

My wife and I have a solid relationship.  We know we are the only people we’d ever want, and that makes way for a lot of great conversation and for spending our minimal amounts of free time together.  We also share a mutual enjoyment of looking at naked women with unimpressive breasts.

The most reliable sources of bare breasts are HBO and Showtime programs and terrible horror movies.  Breasts of all types can be found within these options, but the mediocre ones are the only designation worth your time.  They are much more interesting.

This isn't why we're here.

Wife and I will be sitting on the couch together underneath an orange Halloween blanket, fist clutching a bottle of Mondavi and eating Tostitos.  On television will be our Saturday night viewing selection ripe with potential for mediocre chesticles.  Eventually wife will, with great anticipation, turn to me and say, “Look James, mediocre breasts are coming up.”  We call each other by our middle names.  And we get all excited when a girl starts taking off her top.

On screen, Harriet looks longingly at Joe and lifts up her t-shirt…
I put down the wine and take my lady’s hand and grip tightly as we move to the edge of the seat.
This, folks, is where it all goes right or wrong.

Look, actresses… if you have nice, shapely breasts, my wife and I don’t care.  We expect that.  You’re in movies.  You’re attractive.  That’s what you do.  Good for you.  I know what good boobs look like.  Seeing yours is nothing new, is borderline offensive and makes me feel like a douche.  Who do you think you are, shoving those spectacular things in my face?  You’re presuming my interest, which is arrogant and condescending to me, the viewer.  It’s just not that interesting to see good boobs.

Those bags aren’t what I came here to see.

There is nothing worse than a pretty actress flopping around her perfect harmonies on screen just because she has them.  Or wants a bigger paycheck.

Them chubbies need to get on out.

But if you’re willing to take your top off knowing that what you’ve got under there is less interesting than a 7th grader’s mams or has developed like a couple heirloom tomatoes, you’re in it to win it and we applaud you.  Whether the on-screen material makes revealing your unsubstantial mounds a valid choice for the sake of art or you’re merely attempting to do anything possible to disguse horrendous acting ability so you can someday be known as a nimrod slut in an Adam Sandler movie, we’re with you.  And we are proud.  There is either dedication or desperation in your efforts, and both of those D’s are more noble than the DD’s of hereditary fortune.

Mediocre boobs are more interesting.  So many things could be wrong with them.  You never know what to expect.

Sure, Gretchen Mol, you can dance your amazing almost 40 year-old naked body around in Boardwalk Empire long enough to give the Commodore a stroke, but I’m still waiting for the day Darmody’s wife and her awful, barely-even-qualifying-as-mediocre lumps show up again.  You disgust us.  Move along and take your age-defying breasts with you.

Those look so great. Go away.

If YOU are an actress considering showing my wife and I your boobs in a movie and your name is not Anne Hathaway (whose awesomeness renders her exempt from all scrutiny), here are some tips for entertaining us properly and receiving a positive evaluation:

IF YOUR BOOBS:
Are round
Are well-proportioned
Are the same size
Are somewhere between the size of a softball and a cantaloupe
Are fake (you’re a cheater and don’t even count)

DO THIS:
Nothing.  Keep them to yourself.

IF YOUR BOOBS:
Are sloped at the tip (ski jump)
Resemble dunce caps
Have areolas shaped like European countries
Are of different general sizes
Have more veins than a Google Map has roads
Are tiny with huge thimble nipples
Are huge with tiny pin prick nipples
Have suffered botched surgery
Look like a ten year-old boy’s back
Are shaped like used hockey pucks
Are shaped like two plastic grocery shopping bags full of water
Are shaped like sliced Thanksgiving turkey
Are Keira Knightley’s

DO THIS:
Take work in as many B-horror films and Alan Ball shows as possible and find yourselves on our television as we cheer for your continued success in the industry.

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