One of us is using Google Alerts wrong. It’s probably you.

The news is really awesome.

Everyone should be aware. Even you.

Some people are totally into the news.  They always have news sites up on their screens, they have their RSS readers throwing headlines at them all day, and all that crap.

You’re thinking that sounds pretty good. Pretty intelligent. You’re thinking that. Right now. In your head. With thoughts.

Here are a couple tips to becoming a successful news follower and the awesome aforementioned person:

1. Use aggregate news sites readily to keep up with all the important items of the day.

This sort of stuff happens all the time. Click to make bigger.

2. Pay attention to the offbeat news.  The things that don’t happen every other day.  That’s the most important news.  You can’t stand at the urinal in the office bathroom and awkwardly chat about economic downturn or Iranian politics to the guy peeing next to you.  You need something wacky!

(Actually you shouldn’t really talk to that guy at all.  Talking to people as they pee is a horrible practice.  Do you really do that?  That’s pretty messed up.  Do the bathrooms there at least have dividing walls?  No?  REALLY? Nothing? I sort of hate you.)

Proof: Remember when that girl buying Life Savers ironically got killed in a convenience store?  No. You don’t.

Proof: Remember that car bomber in Palestine that killed two and wounded a low-flying goose? No.  Me neither.

Proof: Remember when that crazy bitch spilled her coffee on her lap in 1994 and sued McDonald’s for hundreds of thousands of dollars?  Remember when they said Richard Gere got the gerbil stuck in his bum?  Yes you do.

3.  Google gives us this really fancy tool called Google Alerts. You can enter certain topics or keywords or whatever you want and since they own the world provide and control information, it’ll shoot you an email anytime a news story goes up anywhere about your topics.

There are certain very improbable events and headlines that could happen and make the news that you’re not going to want to miss.  Google Alerts can ensure that doesn’t happen.  Here are mine:

  • Angela Lansbury catches fire
  • Checkers with Christ
  • Colin Farrell makes a movie worth watching
  • Cotton not actually the fabric of our lives
  • Horse human born
  • Forest Whitaker is actually white
  • Dog farts on Pope
  • Aunt Jemima dies in prison
  • Real human centipede
  • “The Wash” receives honorary Oscar
  • Trailer Launch: From Justin to Kelly 2
  • Space sausage kills thousands
  • Woman abused by angry avocado

I do occasionally get mail about that last one.  But that’s a different sort of thing.

Maybe Kurt Cobain actually survived, disappeared, and operates a lesbian bookstore in Portland.  You could be the first to know.

Whatever your situation, the news generally isn’t that important.  You’re only going to remember the good stuff, as sad and devastating as some news may be.  But the viral photos of Angela Lansbury on fire?  Those aren’t going anywhere.

Follow these suggestions for news following and you will soon be educated about all the most important up-to-the-minute happenings of the world in which you live.

This post wears birkenstocks. This post has saffron rice for lunch. This post has easy access, curved openings. This post knows what you did last summer.


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